So ever since I moved from the small town of Saxonburg PA to live with my parents and the age of 23 I have had considerably more time to think. The truth is that that time has not really been helpful. If anything it has been more scary. It has been scary because during my half hour drive from work to home most days I start to think about some really great stuff. In fact it has been so life giving to me that I have stopped listening to music in my car all together. The truth is that I have only done that because there are only about 7 unscratched Cd's in my car and I have listened to them maybe 20 times each. Most of them are a 6 CD mix that I made this past summer that I named the 113th lift and thus has inspired the title of this blog.
When I take time to think my brain has been going into overdrive. It is like I found some long lost friend and that friend is my ability to process information. For all of those reasons the move home has been good I think, however, all this time to think has also disrupted my natural flow of life. It is like I can not quiet my head. I think of things at a million miles a second. I am having a hard time at processing what is going on at times. It's like my brain is trying to make up for a year spent doing work, playing video games, or sleeping. All in all, it has upset the rather peaceful balance that I had going on in my life. I was sort of happy to be honest. Each day I would go to work or lay around. After a long day of one of those two things I would lay around. Even my quiet time was not quiet. I was continually given the opportunity to escape, I think. I just wanted to fry my brain. The problem is that now life is hitting me in a real way for the first time in what seems like a very long time and I am starting to feel convicted again. I hate feeling convicted.
I like status quo to be honest.
I like thinking that I have all the major things in my life taken care of and I can just slide by. I like to ignore the things that are major problems in my life that I don't want to deal with. The problem is that this new found conviction comes to me like some part of a childhood that I left behind. It reminds me of things that I wanted before and ideals that I want to live up to. The problem is that I don't want to live up to them at all. I like to be happy or content. I want to be comfortable level headed. The last thing that I want to do is take action. I guess I am writing this because I am sorry as well. I don't really think that escaping from life so that you don't have to take action is actually a good thing. In fact, I think that is is pretty darn stupid. I hate when other people live like that that but I can't help but want to fall into that way of life. I don't feel like I really care about to much of anything and this time alone is my car is making me care about things. It makes me care about things so much that I get all worked up and want to make immediate decisions and changes. But when I get home I still sink into gym shorts, computer games, and the food network. At some point at around 12:30 or 1am I get some slight inspiration from Diners Drive-ins and Dives and I get up to cook something terrible before falling asleep with an upset stomach that I try to calm down with large glass of Mug root-beer.
I guess all that I am saying is that time to think can make you uncomfortable and it kind of pisses me off. Feeling conviction disrupts my status quo and makes me want to change things when all I want to do is think about myself, what I want, and what will keep me thinking that everything in my life is as good as it can be.
I hope that I get a chance to rise above my life of apathy.
I think I am rather selfish.
